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Category Archives: Humor

It’s Halloween – What are you giving out? Something Healthy?

butterfinger

Now that I live a healthy lifestyle, people ask me a lot of questions about nutrition.  Particularly regarding what I eat. Whenever Halloween comes up I am often asked about what I give out to the Trick or Treaters.  I guess they are expecting me to say that I give out sweet potatoes or something else that I eat regularly.  Just because I eat a certain way doesn’t mean that I’m going to rob some little kid from the fun of extorting me into giving them candy.  The way I look at it is that if I gave out something like apples, than they would probably throw them at my car the next time they saw me drive by.  I remember when I was a kid there were probably only about 2 houses that gave out apples and they usually ended up being bad mouthed by all of the little kids in the neighborhood.  On the other hand if you were the guy who gave out big Butterfinger bars than all of the kids would respect you for life.  What you give out on Halloween is all about status.  You’re on top if you give out huge candy bars or a handful of them.  Keeping this in mind, I have to give out candy.

How to decide what candy to give out.  Well none of it is good for you so do you go with something that you like?  Maybe you go with something that you don’t like, just so that you don’t eat it.  If that’s the case, I’m handing out Jolly Ranchers.  It’s not really the taste that I don’t like, but those stupid things will break your teeth if you aren’t careful.  Once that happens there is no way that you will ever eat one of them again.  If they don’t break your teeth they stick to them for about 2 hours.  Everything you eat for the rest of the night will have that Jolly Rancher Taste.  I could go with Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups and Butterfingers.  The kids will scoop those up fast.  But what if I barely get any kids.  I’m stuck with candy that might tempt me just enough so that I cave in and have to eat it.  I actually like to experiment quite a bit.  What if I take a handful of Butterfingers and blend them up with my Muscle Pharm Combat Birthday Cake Protein Powder.  Come to think of it that might not be a bad idea.  I protein powder to my candy or candy to my protein powder.  Yea, I’m eating a bunch of sugar, but I am getting my protein in.

Screw it.  I’m turning the lights out and pretending that I’m not home.  Can’t wait to try out my new recipe.  

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10 Most Annoying Things That Happen At The Gym

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10 – Lifting (or pretending to lift) weights that you can’t handle.  While squatting, moving the weight 1 inch is not a rep.  Get something out of your workout.  Do less weight and do a full rep.  


9 – Don’t be the naked guy who stands in the locker room with his leg on the bench talking to everyone who will listen.  It’s creepy. (Does this happen in the ladies locker room also?  Just wondering.)


8 – Don’t make fun of someone who is out of shape.  They are there for the same reason that most people are in there.  To get into better shape.  You’re probably the same dick that #1 will apply too.  


7 – Don’t make fun of how much someone lifts.  If you are doing it with your friends and it’s motivating and competitive that’s different.


6 – Don’t play your music so loud that I can hear it while you have headphones on.  I like loud music when I lift but I doubt I want to hear the crap you are playing.  


5 – Don’t ask me if I am using something that is 10 feet away from me, while I’m in the middle of a set.  I’m not going to answer you.  


4 – Putting cologne on before going into the gym.  It’s not a night club.  If you are doing it to cover up B.O. Take a shower and use some deodorant.


3– People talking on their phone while working out.  If you need your phone in there, walk somewhere where no one can over hear you.  You look like an idiot when you do curls while talking into the phone.  And a total moron if you do it while doing squats.


2 – Free Pizza and Donuts as incentives for people to workout at Planet Fitness.  I had to put something in here about PF.  For some reason they just annoy me.  


1 – People who don’t put their weights away.  If you were strong enough to put plates on the bar and do your sets, then your lazy ass should be strong enough to take them off and put them back.  I’m not that impressed with what you left on the bar.

Lack Of Probiotics Might Make You Pass For Pregnant

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I was at the on a business trip with a friend of mine, who I had just seeing 2 months earlier.  When I saw them this time, I thought, “Wow, they must be pregnant.”  From the looks of things they were due any day now.  I thought that it was kind of strange, since I hadn’t even noticed the pregnancy the last time that we hung out and they never even said anything about it.  The other odd thing was that my friend is a guy.  Well maybe he got fat really fast.  Could happen.

Later on that day he tells me that his stomach is bloated and keeps getting bigger.  He said that he had walking pneumonia the last time that I saw him.  He was on antibiotics for a couple of weeks to get rid of it.  That’s about the time the bloating started.  By the way he lifted up his shirt to show me and he really did look pregnant.  His belly button alone was bigger than a baseball.  I was expecting Alien to jump out.

The first thing that I did was call TMZ to get them to do a story on a pregnant man.  After that I called up a friend of mine that is a biochemist.  Right away he told me that it was yeast growing inside of him.  When he took the antibiotics, they killed the bad bacteria, but they also killed the good bacteria.  Without the good bacteria yeast can flourish.  The gas produced by yeast can cause bloating. If not treated it can cause a lot of other problems, including leaking gut.

Unfortunately, TMZ has no interest in doing a story on a guy who has yeast overgrowth and a baseball sized belly button.

If you are on or have taken antibiotics, it would be wise to make sure that you can build up your good bacteria.

Things to avoid: Sugar, Wheat, Dairy, Alcohol
Things to take:
Probiotics Supplement – Bacillus Coagulans- spore forming lactic acid. This survives the gastric environment more effectively than most other probiotics

Anti-fungal Supplements: Garlic, Oil of oregano, Grapefruit Seed Extract, Undecylenic acid- 200mg  three times daily. Important due to its ability of inhibiting Hyphea (fungus)

Probiotic Foods:
Yogurt that is live-cultured (stay away from those high in high fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners and artificial flavors)
Kefir
Miso Soup
Sauerkraut
Komaucha
Spirulina
Blue-Green Algae
High Quality Dark Chocolate
Raw Cacao – Make your own chocolate
Bananas
Tomatoes
Artichokes
Green Beans
Apples may increase good bacteria

Signs and Causes of yeast overgrowth
Antibiotics
Birth Control Pills
Sugar and Bread Cravings
Fatigue
IBS
Bloating and Cramps
Vaginal Infections
Itchy Burning Eyes

Racing With My Pet Turtle

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Nothing could be more humbling than losing your pet turtle while competing in an athletic competition.  Why would you run with your pet turtle in the first place?  You ask.  Why risk it’s escape?  Well I didn’t plan on bringing it.  I actually avoid having any vegetables the day before for fear of tempting my turtle with them.  I wonder how often a turtle escapes from it’s shell when someone happens to be racing with theirs.  An exploding turtle might not be as rare as you think.  The embarrassment of one losing their beloved pet turtle might prevent someone from talking about it.

I entered an MUD RUN (ironic, turtles like mud don’t they?)  last year and after I started the race, I realized that I had unknowingly brought my pet turtle with me.  I had it under my shirt and every time I took a step it would kick me in the stomach.  The race was only a 5k, so I figured that it wouldn’t be a big deal if I just ran with it for the rest of the race.  I had about a half mile left when he started to stick his head out.  I felt like it might get a little bit too dangerous if I kept running, so I considered walking which I really didn’t want to do.  I had been keeping pace with this girl and I really wanted to finish the race.  Well my pet turtle was getting way to excited and kept sticking its head out.  I was worried that it might just jump right out of it’s shell.

I made my decision.  I broke off from the girl that I was keeping pace with and left the course and ran down a hill that had a lake at the bottom of it.  The only humane thing to do was release the turtle, which I did.  As I let it go, it fled down the hill without looking back.  I really have to say it was quite a relief.  I still finished my race and left my turtle to fend for itself

Turkey Bowl

When I met Bill Phillips, one of the things that he spoke about was humor.  He has also written about it in his book “Transformation“.  Laughing a little or a lot everyday does make a difference.   Laughter  relieves stress, boosts the immune system, releases endorphins (which can relieve pain), and increases blood flow which may help your cardiovascular system.  Most of my blog is meant to inspire, motivate or provide information.  However, I do like to include stories that I think are funny.  Hopefully, I am not the only one laughing.  With Thanksgiving taking place today, I figured I would write about a Thanksgiving that took place in 2010.  Our annual Turkey Bowl.  This is a once a year game and in no way means that I would consider it a workout or believe that it fits in with my training program.  Well now that I think of it I guess this game is really good for those of us playing because we are laughing most of the time.
I’ve been playing with some of the same people in Turkey Bowl each year for over 20 years in Rock Creek Park in Maryland.   In the early years I actually would play in two different games that day. When “Old Age” crept up on me I stuck with one. Two years ago I invited my friend Oscar to play. Oscar showed up in his hoodie while we were picking teams and when asked if he had played football in high school, he said, “a little bit”. He ended up on the opposing team from me and he had made a bunch of plays. I had to let him build up his confidence. In the second half he must have been getting bored because he locked up his Turkey Bowl MVP with something like 7 TDs. I made my plays and had a pick and a couple of TDs also.

The next day I had made plans to go to the Redskins game with my friend Olandis Gary – former Bronco (he broke Terrell Davis Rookie Rushing Record) (current owner of Repax), my brother Adam (who organizes our Turkey Bowl) and another friend Kelly (Turkey Bowl Player). Olandis was the last pick up since he lives close to Fed Ex Field. Adam had met him before, but Kelly hadn’t. The whole ride Kelly is bitching to Olandis about the Ringer that I brought to the game. He was telling him how this guy embarrassed everyone. He did admit that the Turkey Bowl was still fun. I decided to get into the conversation.
Me: OG (for those who didn’t figure it out that stands for Olandis Gary, not Original Gangster. Maybe it’s original Gary.) What did you do for Thanksgiving?
OG: I played in a Turkey Bowl also.
Adam: Cool. Where?
OG: Oh. It was in Chevy Chase.
Adam: That’s where we play. Where.
OG: Somewhere in . . . Ah. . . Um… Rock. . Creek Park
Adam: What? Oh you mother F>*(#ers.
Kelly: What are you talking about? Who did you play with?
Me: Dam, Kelly don’t you recognize your own teammate?
Kelly: What the Hell. You guys suck.
It was hard to keep quiet for that entire day about having a bunch of guys who are almost in wheelchairs get abused by a former pro ball player. As the other guys found out they flipped.
By the way Olandis if you decide to make any derogatory comments about this I will tell everyone about the time I kicked your ass in HORSE about 9 years ago. (I didn’t say that out loud did I?)
I’m glad that Olandis didn’t see the article Tiki Barber selling his Turkey Bowl Services for $1,950.  He might take our milk money.
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