During the beginning of my transformation I had started a particular diet. I had been trying it out for several weeks and almost every time that I ate, I felt like I was suffering. There were some exceptions. Some of the food I really enjoyed. There were some other positives because I started to eat organic fruits and vegetables and grass-fed beef and free range chicken and eggs. The problem with it was the way that they were prepared. I figured that if I suffered long enough then I could get down to my goal weight and go back to another diet (probably the same thing that I was already doing, which would eventually bring me back to 240).
I found out that the guy who created this diet was coming to St. Louis and would evaluate me and give me a more specialized diet. I agreed and was hoping that he was going to tell me that if I did this diet for 3 months I would be ripped and could stop eating something that made me wish I had no taste buds.
The founder of the diet comes into town and when I met him, he looked into my iris and would say things like, “Hmmm”, “Ohhh”, “Ahhhh”, “Ewwww”, “Holy Shit”. I guess that can’t be all that good. I felt like I was seeing a fortune-teller and come to think of it he did look at my palms. I think I got a “enhh”. He then went on to tell me, “You have toxins throughout your body. It’s a good thing that you are a fat guy, because your fat is holding the toxins in. If they get released you will become very sick.” Well that wasn’t something that I wanted to hear. Sick or not, I’m getting ripped up. “Oh and you have a tumor in your lung”. “This diet that I will give you will clean out all of the toxins in your body”. Ok great, now I can do this diet until the toxins are gone and then get ripped. “Now what I want you to do is eat a tiny piece of raw unsalted cheese every 5 minutes of the day. You can carry it in a little pouch.” Did he just tell me to eat a little tiny piece of cheese 5 minutes of the day all day long? Do I have whiskers and a pointy nose? If I do this am I going to be eaten alive by Garfield? What the hell. That won’t make me lose the weight that I want to lose and get me ripped. I don’t know about this diet. “You see there are certain things that need to be done to have an effect on your body. For instance…if you are depressed it is because your e. coli are lacking in fats. You need to get fats to your e. coli.” I’m wondering where he is going with this. I know what e. coli are and this isn’t making too much sense to me. “So you need to do this by inserting fats in your rectum.” I’m sitting there in shock, this isn’t what I signed up for. This dude wants me to stick a F***ing T-Bone up my ass. Are you serious? A steak. There is no way that I am doing that. After this I don’t even know if I want to eat a steak again. He goes on, “So you would do this by taking some raw unsalted butter and naturally heating it to 105 degrees.” I don’t understand. What is natural about that? Is it something that I was already supposed to know? Were my parent suppose to tell me when I was a little kid that I was supposed to heat raw unsalted butter to 105 degrees for a reason that I was about to find out, but I already knew what was coming? Was it instinct? I think it’s instinct that dogs lick their ass, so maybe it’s instinct that I heat butter to 105 to stick up mine. At least it’s not a steak. “And then you take a turkey baster…” Wow, this is really interesting. So interesting that I was already done with this diet when he got to heating up butter. A turkey baster. Really? If I weren’t depressed, I am sure that I would have been after following his basting procedure. I feel like there is a popcorn joke coming, but I’m sure that it would come out kind of crappy.
So that was it. That was the end of my evaluation and that was the end of my diet. As I got up to leave, he reached his hand out and I said, “Forgive me if I don’t shake your hand. But wasn’t that a turkey baster that you had in your hand when I walked in?
The things that I did get out of this diet were some good recipes (that had nothing to do with cheese, butter or turkey basters), I learned about the positives of organic food and free range chicken, eggs and grass-fed beef, and most important I got a great story.
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